From the Archives: Homecooked

Source: BBC Food

Since I'm an aspiring writer and this blog already exists, I've decided to start posting short scripts I've written over the years so that I can have a centralised documentation of my works outside of my laptop folder.

To start off, I'm going to share a play I wrote in 2020 with Almeida Theatre called Homecooked. It was part of a festival called Shifting Tides, focusing on the climate crisis, and I took part in a workshop called 'Writing the Climate', along with 8-10 other young writers. Out of all the plays, mine was chosen to be one of three to be performed in front of a live audience (that is, if you count zoom). I'm very proud of it and recognise how rare of an opportunity it is for working class writers to have their work showcased in a public forum, not least being via an institution as respected as Almeida. So far it's the only "official" credit to my name, but here's hoping there's many more to come!

Here goes:

Homecooked

Centre stage. Funmi, a stout middle-aged Nigerian woman and Effie, her teenage daughter are in the kitchen setting up the table. It is filled with extravagant food. The room is decorated with balloons; a “Welcome Home” banner hangs above them. 

EFFIE

Wow, I didn’t think it would turn out like this. Did you have to cook so much?

FUNMI

Are you mad? Do you know how long it’s been since you’ve seen your brother? Think of how long it’s been since he’s had a proper meal. He must be stick thin by now.

EFFIE

How long has he been gone again? Six months? I’ve lost track.

FUNMI

Too long. I don’t know what he’s thinking, trying to kill his mother.

EFFIE

(Quietly) I wish it was longer.

Funmi lightly slaps her on the arm.

FUNMI

You better not act up when he’s here.

EFFIE

Yeah, yeah….

Funmi looks up at the decorations.

FUNMI:

Do you think we need more balloons?

EFFIE:

Nah, it’s fine. 

FUNMI: 

Are you sure? I don’t want to make it look like we didn’t put any effort in. I want him to know he was missed.

Effie gestures to the table. The food is plentiful and elaborately placed, while barely fitting on the surface. The smallest misalignment would lead to disaster.

EFFIE:

Mum, I’m pretty sure the food speaks for itself.

The doorbell rings. Funmi and Effie jump in surprise and excitement. 

FUNMI

They’re here!

Effie rushes to the door and opens it. ENTER Dami and Ade. Dami is tall and skinny; his clothes practically hang off his body. A pair of spectacles sit on Ade’s bald head. His son’s luggage is in hand. 

DAMI

Hi mum, hi Effie.

He hugs them both. Funmi inspects her son, squeezing his cheeks and feeling his arms. Ade places the bags on the ground.

FUNMI

My boy, you’re so skinny! They didn’t feed you well. (To Ade) You could have at least got him a snack on the drive home.

ADE

Why would I bring him a snack if there’s food here already?

FUNMI

It was a long drive from the airport, and you can’t trust this plane food. You don’t know who made it.

ADE

(To Dami) Are you hungry, son? 

DAMI

Yeah, I’m starving. 

FUNMI

Come, sit down.

Effie brings a chair for him, Ade takes his bags and puts them to the side. Dami makes his way to the table, ignoring the chair. 

DAMI:

I can’t believe you cooked this much for me!

He grabs a plate and immediately fills it with bread and rice.

FUNMI:

See, look how he went for the food! God punish these researchers, starving my son.

Dami sits down at the table, scoffing his food.

DAMI:

(Mouth full) It’s not their fault mum, we were in the wilderness. There isn’t much to eat anyway. 

FUNMI:

Well they should have packed more food.

EFFIE: 

Did you drink your own piss?

ADE

Ah! What’s wrong with you? Where’s your respect?

Effie sighs.

DAMI:

(Laughing) I was actually (gesturing with fingers) THIS close at one point. We started running low on water and the environment was a lot more arid than expected, but luckily we figured out how to – 

FUNMI: 

(Interrupting) Why are you wasting your time on bread and rice? You need a proper meal. You need to be filled up.

ADE

Eat, son. You need to be strong again.

EFFIE:

What do you want to eat first? We have beef, chicken, pork, what is it? What do you want?

DAMI

Oh, oh no…

ADE

What is it son? Are you sick? What’s wrong?

DAMI

I forgot to say…

EFFIE

Uh oh, I think I know what he’s going to say.

FUNMI

What? What is it?

DAMI

I…

EFFIE

Here it comes…

DAMI

…I’m vegan.

ADE

You’re a what? What is that?

FUNMI

What is this rubbish? Eat your food.

DAMI

I can’t, it’s for the environment, mum!

FUNMI

(To Ade) What did I tell you about him doing environmental science? I told you he should have been a doctor!

Ade holds his arms up defensively. 

DAMI

It’s a PhD so I’m going to be a doctor soon.

FUNMI 

Who can you operate on with your nature PhD? 

EFFIE

There it is. 

ADE: 

A veh-gan? I don’t understand.

DAMI:

It’s vee-gan, dad. No meat, no dairy products, no fish, no eggs….

ADE:

Are you mad? What is this? 

FUNMI:

So I spent all that time on the food for nothing?

DAMI:

Please don’t make me get preachy about this. And no, mum, the food isn’t wasted. You guys can eat most of it.

EFFIE:

Yeah, I mean… (looks at the obscene amount of food) it really was too much anyway. 

FUNMI:

(To Dami) What, you think I cooked all this for them? Why didn’t you phone and say something earlier before I wasted my time? 

DAMI:

Mum, I’m sorry, I just… I was so focused on my work and coming back home that I forgot to say anything.

ADE:

How could you forget something like this?

DAMI: 

I don’t know. Please.

ADE:

How are you supposed to get strong again with no meat?

DAMI: 

Elephants are big and strong, what do you think they eat?

ADE:

Are you an elephant?

EFFIE:

Dami can you just hurry up and get to the point?

DAMI: 

(Sighs) Ok, so I’ve been studying for years now, and this trip was a real eye opener for me.

Being away from society really helps clear your head, even if you’re away with other people. As time went on, I started realising things, like how hypocritical I was being. I thought, ‘how could I study how the earth works and try to figure out how to reduce all the damage being done if I’m contributing to it myself?’. Animals are killed in horrible ways, and the way they’re being farmed is contributing to pollution and climate change massively. I kept making excuses and it didn’t sit right with me, so I’m vegan now. I’m still me, the only

noticeable difference is that there are things I won’t eat. I can still eat traditional food, but from now on I’ll have to have versions of them without meat and stuff. I’d go on about air travel too, but that’s for another day. 

(Pause)

FUNMI:

So, my son has decided to eat leaves. 

DAMI:

There’s more to it than that!

ADE:

So what, are we expected to be vegan too?

DAMI:

I mean, you don’t have to, but…

ADE: 

(Claps) Thank God!

EFFIE:

To be honest Dami, that’s not a bad idea. I’ve actually been thinking about it a few times myself. 

DAMI:

Really?

ADE:

Oh my goodness.

EFFIE:

Gemma’s vegan!

ADE:

The same Gemma who asked for a lift to Nando’s?

EFFIE:

There are vegan options!

FUNMI: 

These children will be the death of me. (To Dami and Effie) Are you eating or not? The dinner is getting cold. 

EFFIE:

Just because I said I was thinking of being one doesn’t mean I am one!

DAMI: 

I’ll just stick with rice and vegetables. (To Effie) I’m always here for advice if you want to try.

FUNMI:

You better eat everything on your plate. I did not cook all this food just for you to have two bites and start preaching.

DAMI:

(Already eating) Don’t worry, I will.

EFFIE:

Can we all just eat now?

Effie, Funmi and Ade all sit at the table with Dami.

ADE:

Dami, son, pass me the beef.